Anal sex: why preparation matters more than Heated Rivalry makes it seem

Jeremy Heshof, a sex and relationship coach, shares insights from a recent conversation with a client about expectations shaped by Heated Rivalry. While on-screen intimacy looks effortless, anal sex in real life usually requires more preparation, communication and care.

For several months now, I have been seeing in my practice a single gay man in his early forties who describes himself as a "hopeless romantic". His love life until recently mainly consisted of a pattern of falling for unattainable men: men who are straight, or gay men who are already taken. What made his visit to my practice unique, however, was the way he ended up with me: he asked an AI chatbot which therapist would suit him best. After my name consistently emerged from the algorithms, he saw a definitive sign of fate when he discovered that there is a saddlery in my street with the name 'Hollander'.

To an outsider, that name might mean little, but for my client, it was a direct link to his great obsession: the series Heated Rivalry. Shane Hollander is one of the main characters, on whom he has a huge crush. When I asked him what attracts him so much to that series, he talked about the intense chemistry between the men, the beautiful images, their success, and their perfect appearance. It is a world where everything, according to him, fits, but as a therapist, I also had to ask him: how realistic is this image actually?

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I explained to him that the spontaneity in the series — where the characters have anal sex at any random moment — is quite a challenge for most gay men in reality. In the real world, this often requires some preparation if you want to keep the experience pleasant and hygienic. To make this tangible, I shared a story about a bisexual man from another session who had a traumatic experience. He had wrongly assumed that his very first casual male sex partner would be clean. Long story short: disappointed, the sex date was called off and the only thing done was a long wash cycle at 60 degrees. This confrontation with the sober reality was necessary to pull my client out of his fantasy world.

As we progressed in our journey, we discovered that his fixation on unattainable men — types who seem to come straight out of a fitness magazine — had a deeper cause. His self-image was not positive. Chasing unreachability was, in fact, a defence mechanism; as long as he pursued men he could never have, he didn't have to face the vulnerability of a real relationship. Deep down, he believed he wasn't worthy of a real connection.

The breakthrough came when he dared to lower the bar for himself and his surroundings. He began to focus on more realistic men in his immediate environment instead of film star ideals. This paid off: step by step, he started dating again. Although he does not yet have a steady relationship, something essential has changed: he is now hopeful about a meaningful future.

For me, this case has become a lasting reminder. Every time I pass the saddlery in my street and see the name 'Hollander' on the facade, I have to think of a quote from Heated Rivalry: "You're a bad liar, Hollander." And then I have to smile at the thought of how happy my client will be with the news that a second season of his favourite series has now been announced.

Jeremy Heshof is a relationship therapist, sexologist and psychosocial therapist. He is the owner of Practice for Men, where he specialises in themes such as sexuality, relationship issues, sex addiction and personal fulfilment. In addition, he regularly appears as an expert in the media (including Editie NL, Pointer Checkt, Playboy, Men’s Health and Winq) and you can see him with Bobbi Eden in the programme Sex Tape on HBO Max.

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